The Bite 005: Butter Be Good: My First Week as a Pissed-Off Vegan

Well, it’s Monday. Start of the week. Start of my new life as someone who flinches at the word “butter.” It’s also my first full day at home from the hospital — and my first week as a brand new, mildly enraged vegan.

Not by choice, of course. I wasn’t wooed by oat milk or inspired by cow videos on Instagram. No, I was bitten into this lifestyle by a tick with a vengeance and a cruel sense of humor. Alpha-Gal Syndrome: turning steak lovers into salad eaters, one anaphylactic episode at a time.

Also… fun fact? I turn 36 on Thursday. So not only am I fighting off random hives and reading the back of every label like it’s a crime scene — I’m also trying to figure out how to have a birthday without, you know… cake. Or at least not cake the way my butter-wielding Italian ancestors intended.

So this week, we’re focusing on desserts. That’s right — I’ve decided to channel this allergy-fueled rage into something sweet. I’ve already panic-purchased every vegan dessert cookbook Amazon sells. The box on my porch is now heavier than my emotional baggage.

Will any of these recipes taste good? Honestly, it’s not looking promising. The first one I tried said “aquafaba” like it was a normal thing. (It’s chickpea water, by the way. I’ve officially hit a low where I’m whipping bean juice like it’s frosting.) But I’m determined. Somewhere between the coconut oil and cashew cream, there has to be a win. Because if I can’t eat cheesecake, I at least want to make something that looks like it.

In case you’re wondering: yes, I cried in the baking aisle. And yes, a woman offered me a hug after watching me Google “does margarine have cow in it?”

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• Most pre-made “vegan” desserts taste like sadness and chalk.

• Vegan butter is apparently just oil dressed in disguise. But it’ll do.

• Coconut milk is now my best friend, whether I like it or not.

• Everything still contains gelatin. Including things that absolutely should not.

So this week’s mission: find one — just one — dessert that doesn’t taste like punishment.

If you’ve got a recipe, send it my way. Bonus points if it doesn’t require 14 specialty ingredients and a mortar and pestle made from Himalayan salt.

Because birthdays are supposed to be sweet… not existential.

Stay tuned.

Love and bean water,

Dom

A.K.A. TickBitChick