The Bite 016: Smiling Through The Cheese Crisis

It all started last weekend with a dream. Not a metaphorical one — like “I want to hike Everest…” a literal meat-fueled fever dream starring Ozzy Osbourne in a smoky BBQ wasteland, waving a burrito in one hand and a tray of bubbling lasagna in the other like some kind of gluten-summoning spirit guide.

Once my family heard about my dream, that was it. Now all I hear is: “When are you making lasagna?” As if I didn't just dream of the culinary apocalypse starring the Prince of Darkness and pounds of shredded beef.

My mission, a challenge from the universe, was to make a plant-based lasagna so good it wouldn't need an EpiPen chaser or a therapy session to unpack it. I was ready to risotto to the occasion. (That pun was cheesy — which is ironic, given where this is going.)

So I pulled out my go-to bolognese recipe — which I’ve now Alpha-Gal’d into something miraculously safe, shockingly delicious, and genuinely capable of convincing someone to eat vegetables on purpose. (Recipe potentially coming soon. Yes, Karen, I’ll include macros.)

And yes, I rolled out fresh pasta sheets… by hand. With eggs. Real ones. 

Look, I’m a “forced vegan,” not a joyless husk of a human.

Eggs are my last stand.

They are the thin, protein-filled line between me and a full emotional breakdown in the bulk foods aisle.

But then… I got to the cheese.

And this, dear reader, is where things went off the rails like a Tesla on autopilot in a roundabout. Honestly, the meltdown was less “Italian grandma” and more “Britney 2007 but with nutritional yeast.” There was a very real chance I’d shave my head with a spiralizer.

You see, traditional lasagna is basically a dairy-layered death trap for someone like me.

Ricotta? Cow. Mozzarella? Cow. Parmesan? Fancy aged cow in a tuxedo.

So, I did what any sane allergy-ridden person would do: I hosted a solo, plant-based cheese tasting party like I was the Moira Rose of Trader Joe’s. In my head, I was wearing a sequined caftan and demanding, “Bring me your nut-based finest!”

And thus, welcome to the first official Friday Favs & Finds: Cheese Edition.

Seven cheeses.

One girl.

A whole lotta hope and digestive enzymes.

Let’s review.

Violife? Slaps like Chris Rock’s Oscars face. 

Daiya? Still recovering emotionally. 

Kite Hill? Bless your almondy ambition but sis, no.

(Head to the Chicklist for the reviews… add link.)

Some mozzarellas melted like a dream — others melted like a bad Tinder date: fast, weird, and left an aftertaste of regret. I crumbled a dairy-free ricotta that looked like it believed in itself, but tasted like someone whispered “cheese” over tofu.

I sprinkled faux parmesan and whispered, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie,” like I was Kris Jenner but for casseroles.

Some bites were triumphant. Others made me question why we keep trying to make cashews be things they’re not. Cashew cheese is like the guy who insists on playing acoustic guitar at parties: we appreciate the effort, but it’s time to stop.

But I powered through. Because that’s what the Alpha-Gal life is:

A journey of taste, texture, and slowly learning that joy can still exist — even if it’s aggressively nut-based and costs $9.99 per 4-ounce wedge.

I watched my family devour traditional lasagna like it was the final round of Top Chef: Lactose Edition. I smiled through every gooey forkful. Just nodding, sweating, and waiting for someone to say the safe word. (It was “Velveeta.” It never came.)

And then I took a bite of mine — my safe, weird, over-thought, plant-powered masterpiece… and you know what?

It was actually good.

Like, “eat-another-bite-without-crying” good.

Like, “maybe Gwyneth Paltrow is onto something” good.

Like, “put this in a jade egg and call it healing” good.

So this week’s lesson? You can still find flavor, comfort, and a little satisfaction even in the shadow of mozzarella. You just have to get a little weird, a little crafty, and an Amazon Prime account for rush-ordering experimental cheeses.

And if you happen to shed a tear or two while grating almond cheese over your gluten-free masterpiece? That’s not sadness. That’s seasoning. You can’t buy that kind of flavor — unless it’s on clearance at Whole Foods next to the vegan collagen.

(Oh, and don’t worry — pasta sheet and lasagna recipe coming next week. As for the bolognese? Yeah… it’s subscription-worthy, baby. Paywall stronger than Tom Hardy’s jawline.)

Dom

A.K.A. TickBitChick